I left Burning Man the Friday morning before the burn as I wanted to
spend my burn week yahoo free.

I got to the Reno airport courtesy of some friends, with plenty of
time to spare. I was sitting at the gate when a bizarre sight happened
to me — a guy in a straight leg cast wheeled past me, with a wad of
money *in his mouth*. Then five minutes later, he rolls past again.
Then he rolls the other way again with money in his mouth. Normally
I’d think “eh”, however this happened *four* times. I was beginning to
think there was something in the water making me see weird shit.

Over the loudspeaker I hear “Flight XXX, Seattle, is delayed. There
will be a half an hour delay”. No biggie, except I overhear the lady
at the counter tell someone that they have to safety test the plane by
starting and stopping the plane three times. This does not exactly
inspire confidence, especially since I HATE twin prop planes, and
didn’t realize until just then when I looked out the window I was on a
Bombardier 800.

Finally I board, and naturally I am sitting next to Mr. leg-cast-
wheelchair-money-in-mouth dude, who has his leg halfway in my seat,
and he can’t bend it. I start laughing to myself, as I just want to
get home after 11 days on the road. I sit with half my body in the
aisle.

We take off. You know when planes level off at 10,000 feet right after
takeoff? And then ascend smoothly to a comfortable cruising altitude
of 33,000 feet, and our flight attendants will serve us cocktails for
$5? That didn’t happen…at all. Instead of getting me home, right
after the 10,000 foot level off, the plane did a 180 and dive bombed
back to reno. Like steep and deep. The kind of angle you don’t ever
want to see, even with a snowboard on.

The flight attendant gets on the intercom, and says (with a sheep
stuck in her throat–no shit. You really have to say it in sheep-ese
for the full effect).) “Umm..laa-aadies and gentle-maaaaan, you maaaay
have nooooo-ticed we are returning to reeee-no. There is nooo-thing
wrong with the plaaaaa-ne”. She wasn’t exactly inspiring confidence.

Then money mouth pushes the call attendant button, and the flight
attendant (sheep lady) comes over, and he says “Is that a burning
smell? I smell something burning”. The sheep attendant says “that’s
not it”, however she wouldn’t tell us what the problem was.

I was now pissed, as this guy was clearly aggravating me and my
perfectly reasonable fear. i would have socked him in the nose, but
post 9-11 I didn’t want to get arrested in case we did make it, plus
in the position I was in I couldn’t even pinch him.

I put my hand on my wedding ring, and start thinking, “shit, I’m gonna
die next to money mouth. Umm, this sucks.” Fortunately, I started
laughing inside at the thought, and realized I was more likely to go
out in a tragic cuddle dome accident.

At this point I knew I would be okay, so long as those little masks
don’t drop form above, as that is always a bad sign. Besides, for
those who know me, I don’t want a mask, I want headphones and beats
if I’m going down (http://www.djdiem.com/emergencyproceduresfinal300.jpg)

We finally landed–hard–and then as we get to the gate, they won’t
let me off the place. At this point I was ready to buy a car on credit
and drive home and sell it upon return. I go up to the front, they
tell me if I leave, I can’t get back on or a guaranteed seat. Fine! I
say, return to my seat, grab my stuff, then they announce everyone
off. I leave second off the plane. Turns out the cargo door opened
while in the air. Nice one, eh?

I get in line at the counter, and ask what I can do. I am offered
three options:

1) Wait for this SAME EXACT PLANE to be fixed. Negatory on that
option….

2) Wait until 4am the next day for the same type of plane….also
negatory.

3) Before she says the third option, I ask her what the biggest plane
she has is, and she said a DC-80 at 12:30 the next day. I take it, and
she offers me a hotel voucher and food. I take it.

I got to the hotel, and the counter girl asked me where I had been
(still covered in playa dust even though I had a shower). I told her Burning Man,
and she said “Cool”. I then asked her for an upgrade, and she gave me
a suite. :-)

So, there you have it.

Since then, Horizon grounded their entire fleet of Bombardier 400’s
(the smaller of what I was on), and IMNSO they should have grounded
the 800’s as well.

Horizon sucks. Don’t do it.

On the reef things were getting exciting, liquid flowing, bon bons shaking, you know the drill! I decide to get some of the action on my video camera. I take a seat on the window sill of the truck as we drive through the crowd for a better shot of the girls provocatively dancing on top of their (or their boyfriends) trucks! My wallet started hurting my ass so I took it out of my pocket and threw it on the seat! Action continues, and I decide to get on the roof of the truck (what any real videographer would do right?) Eventually the party started to die down and people are leaving for the city and I slide back in the truck window. I look around for my wallet I had dropped on the seat and (you guessed it) GONE!!!!! Including every cent to my name!

On the way from the reef, obviously the mood was far more somber then an hour before. The sun was setting and we were still on the outskirts of town when darkness fell! All of the sudden we see flashing lights attached to a golf cart attempting to chase us down! Here we go! We were accused of running a stop sign (with no reflective material left on it)!!! They continue to ask us for dinero and mota! Money and mary jane for you gringos and we had none!! (Had money earlier!!!!) They search my friends car and take his title to the truck he bought one week earlier! (Young and dumb!) To be certain we follow them to the jail. There was he and I, and about 20 locals in the cell! They decided I could go to collect money to release my friend. They give me his keys and his title.

I go in search of our friends and find some, we collect all the money we can and go back! They tell us he was released! We finally find him at a bar on the reef and some other people we met there had came up with extra cash plus his to bail him out!

After the first worst day in Mexican vacation history we decided to leave early. Some of our buddies stayed behind but 2 girls we know decided to come with us! After crossing the border and driving about an hour in the pitch black my buddy decides he shouldnt be driving. Nobody is in perfect shape so we pull off into the American desert and all pass out in the tahoe.

At about 4am we hear a loud knocking at the windows and the car is surrounded with 6 Border Patrol agents guns drawn. After providing our ids and licenses the agent decides to let us go with a warning because he would want his daughters drivers to be so responsible!!

I was nominated to drive as I was the least intoxicated. I drove my buddies brand new tahoe all the way home for 6 hours at highway speed in FOUR WHEEL DRIVE LOW because he never switched it back after the romp through the desert!!!!

Due to bad weather, we had to do an emergency landing in one of the airports in China. Since none of us had a Chinese visa, we were not allowed to get off the plane.

And we stayed like that for a full 24 hours.

Two young kids in a non moving plane for 24 hours with smelly bathrooms and stale air was no fun.

At the end of the 24 hours, we flew to Taipei, finally got out of the plane and stretched a bit - and then we continued on our next 12 hour journey :).

This has been the worst so far, but in general, flying to India with young kids is no fun :).

I would like a case for my blackberry, and I want it unlocked as I am on the fido network in Canada. Thanx! BCSC, 945 Ave Newton, Suite 244, Quebec, QC, G1P4M3, Canada

Hello! As ever, the roads to heck (and last-minute holiday emails) are paved with good intentions. In our case, the road was a tarmac and the pavement ran out somewhere at the end of a runway at SFO. But before we dive into anecdote, the important stuff.

We wish your loved ones, and our loved ones (see “to:” line, above) the very best wishes for the holidays and a healthy, safe and joyous 2007. Our lives are blessed and made better having you in them.

Everything below this space is trivial, and unadulterated, drivel. Enjoy.

So, we’re at San Francisco Airport (evening of the 21st), and due to weather delays, our connection at LAX to Mexico is looking close, but easily “makeable”. Well, the delay turned to a longer delay, but with boundless optimism, address printouts for our annual “postcard from somewhere holiday greetings”, and less than 3 ounces of liquids in a quart-sized Ziploc bag, we were boarding the plane.

Taxing started to resemble taxi rides in tourist traps — meandering, rather than fast or direct. And we meandered to the end of a runway. Then, we found out that union pilots, much like eggs, are apparently both fragile and subject to expiration. Ours “ran out of service time”, and we had to return to the gate to swap them for fresh eggs. And those pilots were “5 minutes away”, ready to jump into the cockpit and wing us off to LAX, and then to Guanajuato, which we’ve read is lovely this time of year. Certainly, your holiday postcards would have been.

1 hour later, the eggs, er… pilots arrived from Denver, Safeway, the Red Carpet Club bar, or wherever they bide their time, and we’re off to LAX.

48 minutes later, we hit pavement again. In flight, we were told that the airline had “taken care of our arrangements”, one and all, and we’d all be booked onward, and if needed, put in hotels for the night. We’re cool with that, and we hear Guanajuato is as lovely in the afternoon as in the morning. No biggie, we’re on vacation. But then again, the union golf-cart driver who was tasked with towing us to the gate was apparently also at the Red Carpet Club, so we sat on that tarmac for a bit there as well, cooling our now-sore LA basins.

So, 4 hours after our scheduled arrival, we’re in line (well, the second line we’d queued for — the first “closed”, despite the snaking line of wretched refuse from the teeming flight delays due to unforeseen coffee-and-scone-break related human resource issues) to chat with a customer service rep. Other than the fact that bankrupt airlines (since that does not identify the guilty party, we’ll spare them… but it rhymes with “blighted”) deserve both their fates and a lump of extra coal this year, the line was much longer behind us than in front. Our helpful but helpless dude, one of 2 actual humans serving LAX, tried valiantly to get us from anywhere in the LA basin to anywhere in shouting distance of Guanajuato, which we hear is gorgeous, anytime before, say, new year’s. No dice. We could have flown on Christmas day, maybe, from Ontario (CA, not CAN), but at this point, we give in to his advice, and turn tail back for SFO.

14 hours after we arrived at SFO for our flight, we arrive at SFO. And so dawned the next day.

Told that we needed to see the service folk in SFO for info on how to get our bodies (tired) and bags (apparently in the custody of Aeromexico in LA) home; and our flights and hotels in Mexico, which we understand to be simply wonderful, refunded or at least acknowledged; we double down and invest another few hours in lines of various stripes.

So, 18ish hours after arriving at SFO, we arrive at home (yes, after waiting for the joystick, er… jetway, driver to arrive from the newly Xbox-equipped Red Carpet Club). And after a day to cool off and laugh a little, the first important task: this note.

Life is a joyous journey, and not only are we lucky to have each other, our families and our friends to fill them with, but we intend to keep journeying together and sharing our love and blessings with you.

Our very best.

Love — Janica and Randy