CrunchGear

I love brutally honest reviews ! not gonna watch this one anymore

I liked it.

I guess this is why you write for a tech blog and not a movie blog. It was an entertaining, well-executed disaster/monster flick. I could ask for nothing more from it.

Cloverfield sucked dong. The characters were boring, the shocks predictable and the shaky-cam unnecessary and vomit-inducing. I swear they must have been told to go all out shaking that camera for extra ‘authenticity’. The aliens rape the army but can be fought off in the dark by four retards with a handy pipe or whatever? Beth’s shoulder is impaled for hours and five minutes later she’s tongueing rob while he hugs her passionately? Oh and I love that shot at the start where someone holds a fucking cellphone in front of the camera, obscuring the main character’s face so we’ll be more likely to buy the goddamn thing. Best part of the movie is when Hud gets eaten, that guy was so fuckin annoying. Shame he lasted so long. This movie, to steal someone else’s insult, was the shittiest shit that was ever shat out of a butt.

You, Luke G, could not have said it better.

Luke must be a documentary fan and only a documentary fan. What a boring life. There is not a scifi movie out today that stands up to his “it must be so totally fucking real” criteria.

I agree with you Luke. But it could have been said a little better without the vulger language and still gotten the point across. Number one it was horrible directing, lack of story line, not to mention there were many location mistakes that made the realism obsolete. Yes folks this movie was awful! Don’t waste your money.

I Agree!

There were numerous things about Cloverfield that I didn’t like and here are a few: 1. Excessive camera shaking- if you’ve seen the move I don’t need to go in depth. They were trying to create suspense and get people’s adreniline pumping, but it suceeded in macking my head hurt and stomch churn. 2. in the scene where they were in the slanting building and Rob is kicking the door in- he is standing up just fine, and the girl Lilly is all on the ground lunging like the slant of the building and gravity is preventing her from moving foreword- bad acting it was obvious that the floor was not on a tilt, just the camera. 3. Where were the people fleeing in cars?? I looked for it the whole movie, other than tanks- there were no moving vehicles on what seemed to be deserted clear streets. I would imagine if it were a real disaster the roads would be jammed packed with people trying to get out in vehicles, I saw not a one. 4. Guy holding the camera was annoying, a bad actor, and unrealistic- so because the camera was shaking so much, I’m guessing he was holding it the whole time, and if so there were a lot of scenes his video tapping people would be unrealistic. 5. The ending- very poorly done. I understand the “movie” we were watching was supposed to be the “actual videotape” from the camcorder, and they couldn’t show point of views separate from the camera, but couldn’t they have shown maybe someone in the future finding the camcorder and letting us know what happened- the whole everyone’s dead so there’s no one to tell us what happened ending was unfinished. At least I can be happy that I waited, and rented it instead of shelling out for the theatre. In hindsight I wished I would have picked up 27 dresses instead.

Was somewhat entertaining, other than that everything was fake. How do you survive from a helicopter crash that high up, why wouldent they want to find any weapons, why would you still look for that girl after you seen those creatures jumping off that thing, how would his girlfriend not be able to move at all to walking down 50 flights of stairs? I could go on and on, I would recomend seeing this movie only if you see it for free.

You survive a crash from that high up because helicopters autorotate. That is when a helicopter loses power but the blades spin and slow the decent. Though not guarenteed it could be survivable as is often the case in real crashes the pilots do not survive. Finding a weapon would seem to be a thought but remember this is New York City. They don’t have gunstores on every corner and if you ment after the crash the only person with a weapon would have been the pilot and he might have been tough to get to.
As to the girlfriend being alive she was impaled on a piece of rebar. Since she had not bled out it is safe to assume that she got one of those lucky injuries. It punched through muscle but missed major organs, arteries and her lung. This does happen though it may be unlikely it certainly isn’t unbelievable. She couldn’t lift herself off of the rebar but the other characters were able to lift her horizontally to free her. Notice the intense pain she goes though.
Just because something seems improbable doesn”t mean it can’t happen.

Too much thought into analyzing this crappy movie. The major fact is that REAL people would have dropped the fucking camera after their first friend dies. Also, this is a lesson to all. If a huge monster is destroying your city and little bugs are popping and kill’n people GET THE FUCK OUT!!! I’m sorry but if my girlfriend is uptown and I’m close to Brooklyn, and theres a fucking monster between us “Gotta Go See ya when I seeya” !!!! I can always find another girlfriend. LOL

This movie was awful. First of all if Rob is supposed to be going to Japan to be a VP of a company, meaning he is supposed to have gone to college and be somewhat intelligent, why oh GOD why would he make the stupidest decision to go back into an area that has just been devasted by an unknow creature. If I were his future boss, I would fire him for poor decision making skills, he would probably run the company into the ground just to make a meth addicted prostitute fall in love with again after a one night stand. Secondly, if I wanted to watch a motion simulator, then I would’ve bought a ticket to Disneyland’s STAR TOURS and been more entertained than seeing this waste of film and time. Third, it’s not a monster movie if you only get to see the monster for 3 minutes combined throughtout the movie and 2 of those minutes the image is out of FOCUS…(I am glad HUD died for this reason alone). Anyone who see this moronic display of stupidity and likes it or enjoys it must think the Flintstones or TOM and Jerry is thought provoking and intelligent programming on television!!!

I can kind of see Rob going back to save Beth (was that her name?). There are 2 people I know that I would not hesitate to do that for. Those two people would never ask me to do but I would anyway. Maybe this chick was just one of those people for him. It’s the other 3 people that are tards for going with him. Hud kind of gets a pass cause he’s Rob’s best friend. The girls whose boyfriend died is almost understandable because I can see her wanting to stay close to her boyfriend’s brother. The chick who died had it coming. This movie was not scary and annoying to watch. The characters were boring. lol! The monster gave NY Crabs!

Ok, the girlfriend was IMPALED by rebar for hours. Should have died but was able to walk up, across, then down 47 flights of stairs and then run around the city???

Yeah, totally phoney! Monsters don’t even exist! New York didn’t get bombed last spring, or attacked by a giant monster. How do they actually expect us to believe that “Cloverfield” is footage from New York last year when the events depicted never even happened? Was I on another planet? Could somebody fill me in? This movie was NOT what I thought it was going to be. I think it was mostly computer graphics. DO NOT see this movie, it’s not real.

cause the movie ain’t reall thats the whole point of a movie…. from han

are you in a relationshop? i dont think so. if you really love somebody, you know you would do anything for them dip shit. and the movie had a plot that idiots like you are too stupid to realize. think!!!!

AP, I wont watched it even its free… this has to be the worse movie ever that I’ve seen so far… I had never seen any movie that people starts leaving the cinema just only 10 minutes into the movie… and yes a guy a few row away from me vomit into his popcorn cup.

Many times I have felt that a particular film maker owes me non refundable time but never so much as seeing Cloverfield. With the 41 million dollar opening weekend, I’ll bet they could buy me two hours.

JJ Abrams is a marketing genius, but I have produced foamy farts way better than Cloverfield.

After all this hype about “America’s Monster Movie” I am beyond disappointed, I am genuinely pissed off. It had a stupid fucking story, stupid flat fucking characters, and nobody can believe that a palmcorder can shoot such clean HD in low light situations.

I know, I know, suspend my disbelief. Well, give me something worth suspending my disbelief for. JJ Abrams and Co, owe me 2 motherfucking hours, 2 hours I spent watching the most ridiculous mTV love story that the world has ever known. It wasn’t epic, tragic, the least bit believable, or a mother fuckin monster movie. It was a reality TV style love story that happened to have a monster in it. When I watch monster movies, I want mother fuckin monsters, not pretty young faces all bent out of shape because they fucked without an “I love you” that they meant to say, not dopey sidekicks there for comic relief, and definitely not simulated reality TV.

From about 20 minutes in, I was ready to leave the theater. It was absolutely ridiculous. Absoludicrous even.

By far the worst movie ever fucking made with one of the best promotional campaigns.

I tip my hat and say fuck you at the same time.

It’s a good thing the dumb asses die at the end when the city gets bombed to shit. Don’t get pissed I ruined it, be grateful I saved you 10 bucks and 2 hours.

I had really hoped that the Cthulhu rumor was true, now I am very glad it wasn’t.

Wow, a lot of haters in here. The shaky cam is definitely going to draw away a lot of people. When you go into a movie, don’t ask why this or why that, it is what it is. If you start critiquing the movie based on what YOU would do then that is going to ruin the experience for you. I would never do what Rob did, or what his friends did (by following him, I woulda been like, “good day, rob, fuck you.”) The army got raped by the buggers because they happened to be in the fucking middle of it all, while the group only had to fight off 3 or so. Anyway, I’m not here to defend the movie, I don’t want you to like it, but don’t throw shit on it just because this wasn’t your cup of tea.

Even though they had to fight off three of the little fuckers, they had no guns, no knives, no weapons of any sort, except for a crowbar or something, while the Army had state-of-the-art M16s, frag grenades, rocket launchers, tanks, Humvees, body armour, and probably a shit-load of other things that I didn’t even mention here.

I was one of the fools to get caught up in the Cloverfield hype. I couldn’t wait for this movie to come out, the trailer was very unique and caught my attention. I rushed out of my job on friday, breaking speed laws to make it to the showing. Bought a ticket and found a seat waited through trailers of Star Trek, Ruins and some action flick from the makers of “the Descent” (which also looks exciting but is probably crap)
And then it began and here are my reasons why the movie was crap and a waste of time
1) the first 15 minutes of the movie is just an unabriged version of the trailer. The movie is so short anyway, and now they summed up the first 1/4 of the film.
2) The characters are uninteresting. I found the development of the characters to be shallow and unsympathetic to their situation. I couldn’t get myself to feel anything for any of the characters. I chuckled a few times at the camera man for some of his antics. The girl is an attractive model, and the guy is a successful newly promoted vice president. Makes perfect sense because both of them are as boring as can be. They had no personality, and during that 15 minutes of story buildup all i could think about was, “when are we going to see the monsters!” There was something lacking in this movie that the Blair Witch project was able to accomplish.
3) Bad taste. The 9-11ish destruction of New York with the smoke coming at the onlookers, i believe alienated a section of the viewing audiance who may have experienced that traumatic day in our nation’s history.
4) Not scary. At no point during the film do you feel as if the people aren’t going to make it. The fighing off of the creatures in the subway attemped to build suspense but was cut short due to bad interaction with the cg creatures.
5) Terrible ending. The only thing worse than a movie with a bad beginning is a movie with a bad ending. This movie has a terrible ending cutting back to that video of the couple irritated me because of, well, see (2).

6) Terrible title. From what I remember from the beginning of the movie the title “Cloverfield” is the name the gov’t assigned to this file footage? I’m at a loss, is this correct? If so, lame.

Lesson Learned: wait to hear reviews on movies no matter how good they appear to be. Can’t judge a movie by its trailer.

idiot, lots of idiots on this site btw

aren’t CrunchGear contributors supposed to be (so-called) journalists ?

The more i read CrunchGear the more it looks like an average blog on which selected contributors can give their own private advice without feeling they need to argue or explain their point.

It’s not “most critics are bad because….” it’s just “I hate it”.

Of course, i’m not asking any of the editors to be able to write a full movie review, but just for them to give some explanations when they write such a negative review… I’m sure you would have done so if you were talking about a random electronic gadget since you are probably more used to do technical reviews (i have so far no critic about your tech reviews). My expectations regarding crunchgear might also be a little to high, maybe in comparison with techcrunch which sounds a little more professional to me.

Anyway CrunchGear’s still rocking and I’ll leave the dick jokes to you ;)

I don’t know where to begin when it comes to the film “Cloverfield”. It’s gay from the start. The characters are annoying as hell and if I wanted to listen to some whiney white boy run around and scream like a bitch I would simply watch MTV. Also,in a life or death situation who would really film the entire fucking thing, so much for reality. Oh by the way I live in NYC and in the scene at the Spring St. Subway station he receives a call on his cell phone. Hmmm, funny becuase cell phones don’t work underground especially when the fucking city is under-attack, Hell during 911 cell phone systems where overloaded and calls could not go through. Anyway the movie totally blows and I’m so dissapointed, if anyone likes this movie or calls it good and want you to visit me in Brooklyn so me and my fellow Brooklynites can beat some sense into you. They could have done so much with this film, but instead we are left with horrible writting, flat characters, and a monster with a lice problem.
I give it a -165 out of 10. Fucking JJ, stick to TV you cocksucker!!!!!

I saw it last night and thought it really sucked. I’m with Paul.

It made me and my son sea sick. I understand using the big douchebag as a vehicle for continuing to take the video even when the world is collapsing around him, but when the freaking chick is bleeding to death after the monsters attacked in the subway, how about applying some fucking first aid! Especially if your trying to get in her pants! Don’t you think she might be slightly appreciative of you if you applied a bandaid or two you douche!

Also, if this twit is trying to document everything, why when he gets his first clear shot of the monster between two buildings, does he swing away from the money shot to capture some more people screaming and running? This guys is obviously retarded.

Why is the guys with the camcorder with the light on it walking behind the people in the subway and not in front so everyone can see where they’re going?

Then you go to find the other chick bleeding to death in the building thats leaning on another building, you drag the Hindu chick with the gold high heels up to the roof and have her follow you into the building thats going to collapse? Take the doofus with you and leave the camera with the hottie.

How did the camera survive the nuking of Manhattan anyway?

This was a huge annoyance.

To sum up the movie.

Stupid People running around like idiots, doing stupid things, while the world is collapsing with the singular purpose of video taping the stupidity.

BRAVO! I WANT MY MONEY BACK AND THE TIME YOU STOLE FROM ME!

Suckity, suck, suck, suck…

I took my 11 and 16 year old sons to opening night of Cloverfield.
I spent the previous week imagining the three of us sitting in the theater with our mouths agape, watching in wonderment at the majesty of the newest gigantic monster to hit the wide screen. Now maybe I sneezed at the worst possible time or something, but where the hell was the monster? The only good part about the whole thing was that I put too much salt on my popcorn and had to refill my soda cup three times, which turned out to be just enough time not looking at the screen to keep me from hurling my popcorn back up. My 16 year old thought the movie was great, my 11 year old kept thinking it was going to be scary, so he would cover his eyes, thinking the monster would be on screen long enough that he could take a peek and get used to seeing it before he totally let his guard down, he would open his eyes and asked me what happened and I didn’t even know. Unfortunately, my boys didn’t get to grow up with real creature features like say Alien, or John Carpenters The Thing, or even Godzilla(you know, the ones where the lips don’t match the words). It’s just a total shame that such fantastic marketing was wasted on such an inferior product.

I just wanted to point out one thing: did anybody found it interesting that he showed black guys looting the electronics store? I mean come on Double Jay Abrams, besides the 9/11, were you also inspired by Katrina so you stereotyped African-Americans stealing TV sets? I found that kind of racist. What was the point of looting anyway at the time?

I didn’t put too much emphasis on that, but I agree. The only time I remember seeing black people was when they stealing was going on! Great job there director!

I hate this damn film!

I know as much about the monster after the movie as I did before the movie. All you get is to see it. Complete piece of shit rip off.

Yo Blargh,

I feel ya man, first off there ain’t that many black people in lower eastside compared to the other races. Also, the guys are so retarded, they’re fucking with cell phones in an electronic store. Get a flashlight asswhipes, but nooooo, this is reality.

Man this movie is the worst movie in the history of moving making.

I agree, as far as moving making goes this movie is the worst.

We were so close to not seeing this movie, but for some reason… I don’t think anyone vomited or left in our theater, but I myself was just a small dry heave away the entire time. I guess the irrational hope that something redeeming might come out of the experience kept me there. I tried to warn someone not to watch it, but he didn’t listen. I guess if you’re interested in a non-story, irritating, unconvincing characters, and an hour and a half of running with a camcorder, by all means ENJOY! Shame on the critics for even lukewarmingly endorsing this torture. To any who still have the free will to avoid this movie, you have been warned and the rest is up to you.

I have seen a lot of movies in the past 30+ years…and this movie “Garbagefield” is the absolute WORST. Movies like this will continue to drive the last nail in the coffin of walk-in movies. J.J. and his marketing cronies got one over on a lot of folks…including me. This movie will be placed on top of the Hollywood trash-heap.:0(

the movies ending is what makes this other wise great movie suck i have never wanted to punch a baby but this ending makes me want to punch babies

all I can say is this movie really sucked bad, I would have rather beat myself in the head with a hammer for and hour and 15 mins than wathc this again, that would be more entertaining too.

I nominate “Hud” for the “Jar Jar Binks I Made a Bad Movie Even Worse” award.
Watch again (if you can stand it) and count how many times that idiot yells “ROB”

I agree with most of the haters. This movie sucked. Only got a small amount of monster footage, no awesome “monster throwing helicopters into airplanes into buildings” scenes.

American Godzilla? I think not.

Notice that the new commercials for this movie emphasize the search for beth rather than the monster in the city.

This movie is crap.

Mannhiem you titled this movie to a T………”GARBAGEFIELD”. Garbage storyline, garbage cast, garbage camera work, garbage jokes, garbage monster with garbage critters falling off of it…the monster looked like a two-legged spider whale with two funky red air bladders on each side of its head. Man I am totally ticked…and to think I gave away two free tickets to a kickball tourney at a shelter for wayward teens.

Save your money - avoid this “film”. Don’t even bother downloading a pirated version from the net. Your time and bandwidth will be much better spent elsewhere.

There are so many things wrong with this movie it’s hard to know where to start.

First off, the story line for the first 20 minutes or so is boring and annoying. I wanted to punch just about everyone of the characters. Why would any director in his right mind make people wait so long to see the action in an action movie?

Next - the camera technique is ridiculous. I got a headache watching it. I understand the “schtick” - let’s shoot the movie like someone actually filmed it while it happened to them - but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. It’s like making a movie where all the actors scream their lines (which is pretty much the case in this flick) because they’re in a noisy place. It makes sense in real life, but not for a 90+ minute movie. Very, very stupid idea.

Next, the whole captured video thing is stupid. Didn’t they have a geek on hand to tell them that you can’t “tape” over video on an SD card? That’s what the movie implies by showing the beginning of the movie - which is filmed on April 27th, the middle monster attack, which is recorded on May 22nd and the ending - which is a continuation of the material recorded on April 27th. Just plain dumb.

I’d say this is the kind of crap you’d see on the Sci-Fi channel, but their stuff is actually much better. J.J. Abrams should be ashamed for serving this celluloid swill on the public and he should be drawn and quartered for hyping it the way it was - knowing it was pure rectal stew.

If I never go to the movies again it will be because of Cloverfield.

that was without a doubt the worst movie i spent money for. When the movies was over a big sigh oh “that sucked” or “what the f!!!ck” -rumbled thru the crowd of a near sold out theater , im finding that was the same reaction alot of movie goers were reported, the monster was the most ridiculous looking thing, and the spidermites were just stupid, why the hell did hub hold on to the camera while he was getting attcked in the tunnel. I know the lovers of this movie say”it makes you think after you see it” then it did its job. I’m thinking alright I’m thinking how i ass raped for 15$ for a crapfest.

I think this could have been a great movie if it weren’t for the retarded and unnecessary shaky camera. It looked like a tweaker with epilepsy shot the fucking thing. And I also feel ripped off and seven hours after seeing it, I still feel sick even though I ONLY MADE IT THROUGH 30 FUCKING MINUTES.
FUCK JJ ABRAMS, AND FUCK CLOVERFIELD.
If I knew where he lived, I’d tie him to a theater seat and piss in his eyeballs. Then I’d open his wallet and take my 20 dollars back.

And that’s pretty much all I have to say. yeah, one more thing.

FUCK CLOVERFIELD!

Cloverfield really sucked…. and I mean it really blows, I went with my wife and three teenage daughters and we all were really disappointed. it was the worst movie I have ever seen. just before we bought our tickets we almost changed to see I am Legend the Will Smith Movie. God I wish I had gone to see Legend. Cloverfield is not even worth a rental.
Kudos to the P.R. team that put together the promotional trailer and advertising for the movie, that was the best part and got us hooked and wanting to see the movie.
it could have been saved by a few simple things like,

1) tell us what is gong on, at some point were did the thing come from?
2) how about a clear shot of the sucker??? you never get a look at the monster.
3)how about some sort of ending!!!!!!!!!! man did this movie suck!!!
4) stop the damn camera from moving around!!!!! A few people in the theatre got sick, just like at Blair Witch and that technique sucks anyhow, a cheap parlour trick.

I’ve seen bad movies before… probably more so in the last 5 years than the rest of my life combined… (I’m 32) so I’m pretty used to it, and I’ve become rather indulgent… I don’t go in the theaters expecting both a good story and great special effects anymore. I know those were the days… But never before “Cloverfield” did I feel completely scammed by a (great) marketing campaign like this. This movie is about making money, a lot of money, the whole concept behind this “movie” is so cynical that even without the camera shakes, I’d still have felt sick afterwards…

The few people who liked it must be too young/naive/used to crap to get the adequate perspective on the marketing gimmick even after the “movie” is over…

What is more disturbing are all the positive reviews in the press from respected “critics.” If you ever had suspicions about their objectivity and ulterior motives before, that should clear it for you this time. They’re on Hollywood’s payroll, period.

The whole “point” of Cloverfield is that it’s supposed to look real right? But no amateur would keep on filming through in these particular situations. You can argue with me all you want that people do strange things in unexpected situations, I’ll still think that justifying the guy’s very unlikely obsession with filming was the ONLY challenge of the script since they don’t bother explaining ANYTHING and it should have been addressed. Yet, they didn’t bother coming up with something solid enough to make people like me believe. Why not? Because it’s all about money! They just needed me to go see it… They don’t care if I actually enjoy the movie because they already have an answer for me as part of their marketing strategy: “It’s a love or hate type movie.” And they have the paid for “pro” reviewers to stand in as the “lovers.”

As someone else on here said before: if a single movie stops me from going to the theaters for good, Cloverfield would be it.

I won’t get tricked twice, corrupt pro reviewers or not, that’s for sure.