Xerox, the textbook definition of “metonym,” wants to guilt-trip you into ditching your [apparently] environmentally devastating printer for one of its own, which are powered by sugar and spice and everything nice. To further its goal, the Norwalk, Conn-based corp has released a slew of online tools to help you determine how much you’re killing Mother Earth with your printer. How much ink is used per printed page, how much energy is consumed, etc. It’s all tallied up and output to a pretty graph like that one up there, which you can later trade with your friends to see who’s greenest.

Personally, I like how Bits asks, “How Green Is Your Printer?” My answer, straight out of Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, is “Who gives a damn?” The redder the better, I say.

I do believe Armand Van Helden addressed the environment 10 years ago with his song “Mother Earth,” long before it was de moda.