Let’s assume Apple announces and/or releases something today, June 9. (Nothing would make me happier if it didn’t, but who’s counting?) So, what else happened on this truly historic day?

• 68 Nero committed suicide. The pain of being more than 1,900 years too early for the iPhone was too much for him to bear.

• 1790 The first book was copyrighted in the U.S., Philadelphia Spelling Book. You didn’t even have to slide to unlock it!

• 1934 Donald Duck debuts. Too bad Disney cartoons are horribly boring, and have nothing to do with the iPhone.

• 1954 Joseph Welch goes on that whole “Have you no decency, sir?” rant re: Joseph McCarthy. Fifty-four years later, cellphone manufacturers competing with the iPhone will ask Steve Jobs the same question.

• 1973 Secretariat won the Triple Crown. He was in that hamburger you ate last night.

iPhone. iPhone? iPhone!

That hilarity brought to you by Wikipedia.