Because we failed to hold on our moratorium I’m offering one Verizon Nokia 6205 BATMANG! phone to the lucky commenter who can really curse out the iPhone in comment. Please use as much vitriol as possible and include your email address. We’ll pick one winner at random at noon on Saturday.
UPDATE – The winner is Greatslack. You guys got really mean. Wow.
Oh the iPhone…what can you really say about that horrible piece of shit? Not only is it basically useless in terms of what a phone should be, and comparing it to a crackberry I mean come on. The iPhone doesn’t even hold a candle to a StarTAC. How do you even type and drive on that touch screen? Does your unemployeed ass really need to be on the interweb at this very second? You can’t wait to get home and use your overpriced mac to surf the web on your $40 a month connection at home? WTF.
On top of that, do you really want to look like the giant douche you are? You could at least get something more utilitarian and mask the inner douche. The people I see with those things are for the most part either extreme geeks (which I can understand…i’m here aren’t I?), guys trying to look cool in their ill fitting pinstriped suit…you know the black belt, brown show wearing crowd, or the sluttiest of attention starved whores (they think they are all class, but we know better…the hooker heels aren’t fooling anyone.
Go buy an Affliction t-shirt and call it a life.
Oh and my email address is douchesauce@yourmomshouse.com
Why in the world would I want one of those stinkin’ piece-o-crap iPhones?!?
– The user “interface”… No buttons, just a flat freaking screen. So no matter what you are doing, you have to look at the phone to dial. You’re in a car wreck, you have the phone in your hand but can’t see the screen – now try to dial 911!
– The user “interface”… Try to learn how to use it without great frustration. Oh, and try not to lose your temper because you’ll put your finger through the freaking display/touch screen! Oh, and if you cut yourself, just try to call your doctor WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE THE NUMBERS ON THE BROKEN DISPLAY!
– The carrier… Yeah – ATT, just freakin’ awesome. Just what I want to do – use the carrier that the fascist Administration (Goodwin wins!) worked closest with to destroy the 4th Amendment. No problem there! I might as well ask the little hacker snot down the road to service my PC and handle my Quicken updates. ATT – will spy without a problem, but for legitimate (ie – legally acquired warrant based) wiretaps? If the gov’t is late on a bill, they cut them off. They don’t even know how to be good fascists (Goodwin wins again!) – they are to work hand-in-hand with the gov’t…
– The brick… Try to carry that brick conveniently! Will it fit in a pocket nicely? NO! Even if you manage to fit it in a pocket, that stinkin’ touch-screen would snap the first time you sat down!
– Batteries… Want to keep your iPhone for a while, but are worried about the slow death of your rechargeable battery? Keep worrying! Unless you want to mail your phone away to Apple to have it replaced, you are SOL. And why should sending your cell phone away for what should be easily user-maintained service be a problem when a growing percentage of the population is going land-line free and depending solely on their cells?!?
– Grammar… “iPhone”??? They can’t even get basic capitalization right! “Let’s start with a lower-case, then upper-case… it will be so crazy and cool.” Way to show your lack of post-3rd-grade mad skillz, boyz. But then, what could we expect from a company that couldn’t even spell “McIntosh” correctly?
You know what? Not everyone wants an iPhone. You guys didn’t even make it 24 hours. For shame.
At least the iPhone is on a GSM network. I thought Nokia stopped making CDMA phones.
Oh and to the point Tom Woolf made regarding grammar – it really does seem like Apple is using McDonald’s marketing team sometimes, doesn’t it?
The iPhone 3G sux worse than Vista!
Why would we insult it? The iPhone 3G is a revolutionary device that can do everything but cure cancer and send picture messages…
The device is supposed to be primarily a phone, everybody I know who has one says it doesn’t perform well on that level. until it becomes a great phone first and then does everything else it fails to get my seal of approval.
Between simple design and Simple Life, there’s nothing but similarities between Steve Jobs and Paris Hilton.
Steve and Paris Top 5 Things in Common:
1. Gurus of Media Manipulation – The ability to use media channels – community, individual, and public alike – without them even knowing it and in your advantage. This, by far, is the key. This, by far, is what I admire most about them both. It’s beautiful.
2. Growing Growth – And neither have any intention to stop, with Steve’s continuing quest to perfect the previously imperfectable and Paris’ to just live perfectly and be known for it.
3. Glamorous Style – Both have impeccable and unique styles that have contributed significantly to the reputations they hold today.
4. Guts to Lie – Pfft, best phone ever… the only thing worse than the iPhone 3G is the iPhone. And then Paris.
5. Every Guy-in-the-Room’s Dream – What’s the difference between being a MacBoy at a Steve showing or a dude anywhere remotely in the vicinity of Paris? That’s right, guys with eyes-wide-shut in both scenarios.
Let’s just hope that Paris doesn’t get in one of Steve’s (far smaller) lines to buy an iPhone 3G… the Earth as we know it could be over.
iPhone: I just don’t like it. Really. I’m serious. No bull.
I mean it. *growl*
The issue isn’t the iPhone, but the stupid users. They’re going to walk into Starbucks with their iPhone, order coffee while using their iPhone, and then continue to use their iPhone like they’re doing something important throughout the whole process. It might as well be a bluetooth headset! Here’s a better description on bluetooth headsets, a lot might apply to the iPhone unfortunately:
The first cell phone pitfall we address is first for a reason. Simply put, it is one of the most pervasive forms of douchebaggery that penetrates society today. You’ve seen them. You’ve laughed at them. They are the bluetooth headsets. There is really no nice way to put this…there is yet to be a person born that gets so many calls that they will injure themselves raising their phone from their pocket to their ear. Unless you’re a drug dealer or a telemarketer, there is no reason to have one of these devices. They look ridiculous, they are totally unnecessary, and they will make people around you think that you are a schizophrenic. Most telling, though, is the number of GDI’s and douchebags that have adopted this technology. In fact, we have found in our studies that before they were released, the first bluetooth headsets were extensively tested to make sure that they would survive daily contact with hair gel. Some mistakes in fratology can be made up for by fratting hard in other areas. However, this is not one of those mistakes that can be swept under the rug. If you’re thinking about buying one, don’t do it. If you already have one, kick yourself in crotch, and then donate it to a 15 year old at your local mall’s video arcade. He will appreciate it’s usefulness as he takes calls while playing Dance, Dance Revolution.
I have one really cheap crappy blue tooth that I use for driving, which is where I miss half my calls. But no one i know knows that so I don’t appear to be a d-bag to any one who knows me personally. Blue tooth headsets are really not cool
Ankit – I really wish I had found a way to include “douchebaggery” in my rant. Maybe next time…
{quick confession – I do have two bluetooth headsets. I do *not* use them in public – my personal douchebaggery is limited to my own private space, either while driving (yeah – another level of douchebaggery – yakking and driving) or working from home (easier on the ears of the person I am talking to than a speakerphone, since I type with the delicacy of a gorilla in a luggage commercial)}
Awesome! I’m so sick of all the iPhone crap on this site. Seriously, get a computer, it’s 100x better than an iPhone and you don’t have to be worried about loving it more than your own children. Then again all you iPhone fan boys might get addicted to reading about the iPhone and all its “glory”. It is a ridiculously priced PHONE. No human needs a phone for more than calls. Seriously. Who needs a touch screen, use the damn button to move ans save 100 bucks on a phone. Integrated music, odds are you already have an iPod with 10x the storage so that is another useless feature on the iPhone. Checking your email, what are you CEO, CFO, COO? Ok, then get one, of course its also on the company’s budget then, or get a Blackberry or other PDA/Phone, otherwise you don’t need it. Cool? Are you serious. An iPhone will make you look like a rich snob or a retarded sheep. And seriously, CG WTF. Do you all have Pin ups of Jobs and or the iPhone? Every day the better half of the content is the same chewed up baby vomit about how iPhone is cool, will have this feature, can use this app. Apps? Jesus! My computer has apps, leave my phone alone.
All this extra crap on all of these devices is ridiculous.
I find it disgusting the amount of people who are going to stand in line to buy those overrated pile of crap. I pray that CG will finally stop prattling on about it and get some more good content, or even nothingness left in its void.
“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”
— Antoine de Saint Exupery
Well that’s lame I just typed a monster of a comment and got all my frustration out and I cant see it. Meh. iPhone = sux
Nope it just took time – GG noob!
Dude, what ever. Eat one you fucking iPhone lover!
Do I look like an iPhone fan boy? No, so go stuff an iPhone up your ass. That’s all its good for anyways. STFU and GTFO
Dear iPhone,
Wow! You must feel special – what with all the dorks waiting in line to be overcharged to use your fancy features….at least until your battery runs out (I believe I heard about 4 HOURS in 3G mode).
I’ll look you up in a year or so – maybe by then you’ll have a battery that will last long enough to go a whole day without recharging. Until then, you seem to be a nice phone and all, but let’s face it: you just can’t last long enough to be worth a damn.
iPhone…. bwaaaa! (puking noise)…. pfrtttttt (diarrhea noise)… Now, I’m wet with puke and filled with feces because of you, you foolish phone. Die, Die, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyone got a tissue?
The iPhone is a worthless sack of shit piece of crap hardware that can suck my sweaty man balls and cup them in its touch screen interface. Ahh I am soo angered by this worthless load of crap that only a fucking gay guy could love fuck this piece of shit white powered phone fuck it and damn it all to hell. PS: You’re all as worthless to me as this sack of shit iPhone.
The iPhone is the gayest piece of gay attracting piece of shit hardware that I have ever laid my fucking sites on. It is by far the most worthless sack of dirty baby diapers wrapped with processed indian food. Fucking jobs and his gay tendencies to make gay equipment for gay people. Fuck the stupid piece of crap iphone i cant stand it and i wont stand it. The iPhone can suck my sweaty man balls and cup them on its head. FUCK YOU IPHONE!
P.S: fuck the fact that it is slow on the network, has shitty battery life and that it wont shoot video WTF!
The iPhone is the Al Bundy of cell phones. Except not quite as amusing and lasts even less time. And it will probably have a disappointing new version somewhere down the line (Bud) and a dumbed down, less feature laden (and blonde?) version eventually too. And lord knows they’ll come out with a red version eventually – political correctness will settle for nothing less.
The iPhone is a shitload of fuck. Seriously, what were they thinking? Let’s price it at 600 dollars, then drop it to 400, then down to 200. Fuck, if you could make a profit at 200 from the beginning then why the fuck would you price it at SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?! Oh that’s right, you wanted to wring as much dough as you could out of your faithful followers! Business as usual, Apple! To be fair, that’s ripping into the business practices of the company, not the product, so let’s start tearing the actual iPhone a new asshole.
First off, who the fuck would prefer a touchscreen over a real motherfucking keyboard? I mean, come on, does Steve Jobs think we are some race of beings with pointy little fingers which are bereft of feeling and have extremely precise aim? NO! Humans have big meaty hands that enjoy tactile stimulation and we don’t have the time to daintily tap on a piece of glass! And who needs a half-assed computer to fit in your pocket anyway? If I want to carry around a computer, I’ll get a fucking laptop! And you can be damn sure that it wont be a MacBook, with its tactile-feedback-less keyboard. Better yet, I’ll carry around a fucking desktop in my goddamn backpack before I carry around an iPhone. I bet I could set it up, boot it up and type out an email on that faster than I could on a goddamned iPhone.
Fuck, I’m getting tired of capitalizing that fucking P on iPhone, why can’t you have normal fucking capitalization on your fucking product names like everyone else, Steve? Oh, that’s right, you need to “think different”. I’m not even going to go into how that’s grammatically incorrect, since you can’t even seem to get down the basics of punctuation. And what’s with treating the phone like it’s a motherfucking person? Everyone else calls it “the iPhone”, but Apple has to refer to it as just “iPhone”, like it’s too cool for definite articles.
Anyway, back to the phone. Why the fuck is the iPhone limited to one motherfucking network per country? Do you not like money, Apple? Oh wait, you love money, we already covered that. Unless you priced it at $600 starting out just to piss off your loyal customers? That’s it! You’re not even doing it for the money, you sick fucks, you just like pissing people off! God forbid you let someone use your precious phone on a more reliable network than AT & motherfucking T. What bullshit.
Okay, I’m about to give myself a goddamn aneurysm. Just give me the fucking batphone so I can go about my day.
email: greatslack@gmail.com
I vote for this guy.
me too
Thanks for the votes, guys
Iphone = skipping stone
works great
nuff said
iPhone’s mama so fat she’s got her own area code!
Oooooh! I almost used this one, but thought it was in bad taste:
iPhone’s mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
I know, right :P
the iphone causes liver cancer.
They call it a smart phone now. Really without a keyboard and cut and paste what real businessman would use it. One that doesn’t have to use it to work.
I’d rather have a line of old men teabag me while I’m tied to a chair dumped in milk naked with a mouth full of sunflower seeds as raccoons licks me while a man above me empties bucks of feces into a spinning fan, raining shit, as I am forced to listen to the Cher discography than have an iPhone.
I rather speedrun Superman 64 than get a iPhone.
iPhone Two Proverb:
Something about a fool and their
money soon parted.
I-phone, you have ruined being a geek. Every fucking honkey thinks he is the shit with his little touch screen piece of crap. The ‘keyboard’ makes me yearn for a big clunky typewriter. Oh, and ATT can suck a fuck too.
Dear iPhone,
I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU YUCKY DIRTY CREEPY PHONE!
I Will Never Love You,
Steve Jabs
p.s. I’m lying, I love you dearly, I just want to win that stupid Nokia phone so I can sell it on Craigslist and then buy your 3G sister… or beer.
p.s.s – In retrospect I probably should not have typed the original p.s.
What a DINGLEBERRY HANGING, turd squirting, piece of DOG SHIT the Iphone is! I mean, what tha FUCK were they thinking about puttting this lame piece off ass wipe hardware out on the market? You cant even take pictures of your UGLY fucking girlfriend and her pimpled ass face with the shitty NO FLASH camera!
I mean come on Apple, how about pulling your head out of your fucking ass next time and make an iphone and can do some damn good!
Ah hell….its not even worth it, im done!
The iPhone is awesome. That’s how bad it is.
The Iphone is a total piece of shit crap that should be shoved back up Steve Job’s butt by the unlubricated fist of Bill Gates.
It smells. It stinks worse than rotten fish ass served on a cow pie and ash tray platter on a 110 degree day at the city dump.
It causes global warming, world hunger, communism, racism, blue screens of death, high gas prices, and brain cancer in puppies.
It’s so bad, Hitler would have given his to Rasputin because it was just “too evil”.
Satan sold his on eBay. With no reserved price. Again, just “too evil”.
It will help your Mom find your hidden porn stash.
It repels girls worse than Dungeons and Dragons.
The Iphone is not your friend. In fact, it wants to sleep with your girlfriend and take pictures and post them online.
The Iphone makes Whiskey taste like vinegar and beer get warm fast.
Well if you want a phone not to work get the iphone…or pick up a brick off the stret, it’s basically the same thing. Stupid Brick
iShit on the iPhone’s mother’s bloody cunt! ¡Mierda!
Holding the new iphone is like a large gerbil making its way into Richard Gears lower bowls, as if there is some enjoyment from something so awkward. On that not we should mention the crowd that the iphone is marketed towards. Is it the same crowd that Ford Motor Company got pigeonholed with Jaguar last year fore? With the extensive qualifications needed for the iphone one of them should be loafers or a pair of Birkenstocks. Great job marketing guys I am not going to need some Ocean Pacific short cut off and showing my ass, so when I pull out my iphone, no one can mistake me for being straight! Apple might have got one thing right the vibrate feature has been upgraded. What about all the customers that complained about the call volume? Apple decided that was not important feature just turn it sideways and look coverflow. Well that’s great but how the fuc* can I hear the person on the other end. Over engineered, Iphone was made in china but you would thing it was made in Germany. Over engineered, lacks the basics to actually function as a phone. Don’t worry you can browse the internet at high speed and listen to your music but please reboot the phone if you need to make a call. It’s like purchasing a 5 series BMW all show no go, and the pricks on the outside! You get the car and after enjoying it for a month or two some fatal error comes on the screen and away the car goes into BMW apple-care. Shipped away to a far mysterious place as they fix something they did not make in the USA. Once you do get the paper wait back it works briefly and then breaks again. On that note I would like to leave you with this, I much rather do the backstroke through and alligator infested pond with a dead chicken tied to my crank than use the iphone.
The iPhone 2G blows goats… but at least it costs a lot less (upfront at least) than the 1G!
The iPhone is the most over-hyped piece of shit ever crapped out by Steve Jobs. In Japan, you could buy a Hello Kitty phone with the same features 3 years ago.
My local newscast had an OMG IT’S THE IPHONE story yesterday afternoon. A reporter was standing in front of the Apple store while the iSheep dutifully stood in line. A douchebag was there with an acoustic guitar and sang about Apple. When the reporter talked to him, he yelped, “This is a spiritual, uplifting moment for us all!” I wanted to yank that guitar out of his hands and smash it over his empty head. I WILL NEVER GET AN IPHONE BECAUSE I WANT NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THAT ASSHAT!
http://abclocal.go.com/wls/media?id=6260146
look at that dumbass in the red polo in the beginning of the clip…
Donate iPhone An Eco Friendly Initiative
You got a new shiny iPhone…That’s Great ! … But what about your old iPhone? Don’t worry, just DONATE at http://www.rubarudirect.com/iphone/
There are millions of people waiting for this… just do it…
i = Idiotic
P = Pathetic
H = Hopeless
O = Only for duffers
N = Never Buy
E = Expensive