With the $700 billion bail out on hold and banks dropping like flies, it seems this economic apocalypse will come in – and out – with a bang and not a depression. To that end we’ve decided to scour our mind-holes for gear that will help you survive the coming economic catastrophe.
While we can’t promise that there will be zombies during this international economic breakdown, we wanted to be completely prepared for all potential threats, especially when Pfizer goes belly-up and their laboratories are overrun by environmental activists who release a deadly “rage” virus into the wild. So, in a very real way, this is both to help you survive the Great Dustbowl of 2008 and the great Zombie uprising of suburban New Jersey. Let’s begin.
Suunto X10 GPS Watch – When the news media dries up and publishing companies crumble in on themselves it will be harder than ever to find your way through the blasted American hellscape. Hopefully the national G.P.S. grid will still be working, though, so whip out this monster watch with digital compass, thermometer, and a Google Earth-compatible trip recorder. Worried that Google will go out of business? I wouldn’t. Their computers are programmed to become sentient in the event that Larry and Sergey leave the planet for Mars.
Panasonic Toughbook F8 – Panasonic knows what the switched-on post-Democratic survivalist needs to stay on top of online episodes of Rocketboom – the Panasonic Toughbook F8. This high-end laptop is water- and shock-proof and offers over six hours of battery life and comes with Gobi.
Waterco Trout Water Purifier – This water purifier by Dutch company Waterco uses a chemical based on trout gills to flocculate impurities. Because it uses a chemical called aquaporin there are no moving parts that could get jammed during taping of the NBC’s $1 million 100-mile Death Race Game Show hosted by Ryan Seacrest you’ll have to take part in just to get medicine for your ailing family. It even cleans water infected with blood, poo, and coffee grounds.
Kaito KA404 Emergency Flashlight and Radio – Once Clear Channel takes over the airwaves “in compliance with the Patriot Act” you’ll want to be able to keep looking for pirate radio stations not yet pounded out by the jackbooted thugs on the Pinkerton Union Busting squad. This KA404 AM/FM radio and flashlight combo – I suspect the model number alludes to the fact that the Internet will be down – costs $12.99 in 2008 dollars or $12 billion in 2011 dollars. I’d buy now.
Brando’s Solar Charger – Thanks to looting and riots – plus the havok wreaked by Henry Paulson’s Executive 20-foot-tall Battle Exoskeleton on the Eastern Seaboard, the power grid is going to be pretty iffy. That’s why you’ll need Brando’s $69 multi-tipped solar charger.
Leatherman Skeletool – It’s fairly obvious that you’re going to have to be your own handy-man/mercenary/surgeon once the economy collapses. That’s why you’ll need the Leatherman Skeletool CX. Tooth extraction? Check. Gall bladder removal? Check. Zombie skinning? Check. It’s all here and it only costs $58.23!
Mr. Beer – There’s no reason we can’t have any fun while hold up in the burnt husk of the Lehman Brother’s building near Times Square, fending off flesh-eaters while trying to stay warm by burning old stock certificates. Enter Mr. Beer: this super-easy beer brewing system ensures you can drink from the sweet River of Oblivion before you eventually succumb to the elements.
Bodum Chambord French Press – Listen, you basically got us into this mess by thinking $6 Starbuck’s coffee was a “good deal” and, most importantly, thinking those good days will last. Use this $29.95 French Press instead and brew your own newspaper and hay coffee when the global shipping lines collapse.
Sprint Nextel i365 – Sure you probably won’t be able to make any calls on this brick from Nextel and Motorola but it will make a great striking weapon and you can constantly and obsessively check the phone every few hours, hoping for a few bars. Be careful, though: once the battery runs out after the first week the wolves of despair can’t be far behind. Pro Tip: Loot a drug store and keep some Paxil handy.
WickedLasers Elite – This is for scaring/burning zombies. Duh.
Might also need this to defend your home:
http://gizmodo.com/5055602/first-look-and-full-details-on-the-xm25-the-most-lethal-army-gun-ever
NO GAS CHAINSAW? NO HUNTING RIFLE? NO ROTOTILLER? NO DIRT BIKE? What kind of a pussy list is this anyway?
This will help you plan your food needs …
http://www.thefoodguys.com/foodcalc.html
I think slinky toys are underrated – do they still make them? They’re durable and quite amazing dynamically. Presumably under these conditions, many vacated staircases would exist. People will need some sort of non-virtual, unmediated entertainment; this would go a long way. Or at least a little ways.
New-era do-it-yourself-ers will also need a GET-OFF-THE-PHONE EXCUSE-MACHINE. Find yours here: http://www.Exit27A.com
Or just buy the new Fallout game when it comes out. I’m sure it will have the bases covered. :P
Heh. This is a great trailer.
Not sure if it classifies as a gadget, but id recommend http://www.swaptree.com to anyone looking to save money on books, dvds, video games and cds..for them or their kids.
Can’t afford much right now but these seem useful, I’ll put them on my credit card…
This is a pretty dumb response to what may be the largest disaster in modern times.
Whatever keeps us laughing to mask the tears, jeez.
I’ll take the French Press. Coffee is needed.
“Mr. Beer” lol only one I want
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uh, buying things didnt get us into this mess. If anythign we should buy a few things to help the american economy. Just dont take out a loan to do it.
Andrew of Mixergy said it best.
Actually, it’s the buying *on credit*. Cash transactions are just fine.
Yeah, sure. The first thing you do in a situation of a national over-indebtedness crisis is… buy more things!
100 points for CG.
This article is too clever by half. Although some of those gadgets would make James Bond jealous. Many people should seriously consider making changes to their investment strategies now while it is still tolerable. These are not good times for our banking institutions. A better plan is either pull your money out of the market or diversify it overseas. I personally use offshore bank accounts and they have helped me with diversification and asset protection. If you want to read more on why offshore investing is smarter, feel free to visit my website.
Best,
Frank Miller
http://www.theoffshorebankaccount.com
Will Techcrunch be reporting at all on the Finovate Conference: http://www.finovate.com/flagship08/index.html
Seems like a handful of interesting financial tech companies will be on show, just in time to help consumers through these turbulent times.
How about this? Not really a gadget, more of a personal bailout plan, but funny!
http://givemeamillionparishilton.com/
Pass it on! I am.
LOL this whole bailout crap is way overblown. It’s called bankruptcy, not a bailout.
You make the shareholders pay for their moral hazard risk-taking habits, not the tax payers. They got us into this mess, and now they’re going to get us OUT of it.
I’d store all your important files up in http://www.kadoo.com beforehand – 10GBs of free space for all your photos, files, videos and bookmarks. Share as much or as little as you desire.
Waterco is not a Dutch company- it is a SWEDISH company. We think foul investments are the major problem in our country- how about lack of education?! Anyone for a viewing of Mike Judge’s “Idiocracy” (^_^)
You forgot the GatLight Lumencraft.net ..
You can thank the Clinton campaign for this mess we are in. Either way, we are all in and no one thing will solve it. We the people should create a plan and not let the government dig us any deeper!