In the long and storied history of teledildonics, science has always tried to recreate the inside of a woman’s wee-wee and poop parts with accuracy, tact, and lubrication. Well, friends, all those years of effort have paid off with the RealTouch, a honking big device that recreates every nuance of the human anatomy, albeit in a way that makes it look like you’re violating Mr. Peanut.
How does it work? While you watch a video on your PC, the device reacts to the on-screen action. Dual rubber bands run up and down inside the case while a handy reservoir releases lube. The action corresponds with motion cues sent over U.S.B. from your computer ensuring that you staring at your computer with a log on your lap isn’t creepy at all.
I think the funniest thing is the size of this thing. Look at the video on the RealTouch website (VERY NSFW) when you have a chance. This think looks bigger than my old VW Beetle.
Best of all? This was made by a former NASA engineer. If he were still on staff, I’m sure we’d all be on Mars by now. Expect a review shortly. It costs $149 and is available now.
The best part of this post is:
“Expect a review shortly”
Laughed out loud at my desk.
I laughed out loud as well. I will review it too if you send me one, I’m not going to buy one however, my girlfriend is SO much better then this.
Are you sure mate?
This never:
1) Has a headache
2) Has that time of the month
3) Needs to be bought dinner, champagne, shoes
4) Stops you from playing Playstation with your mates
5) Says “nothing” when you ask it what’s wrong
And you can upgrade it to a new model when it starts getting all saggy. HELLO!
;)
Ummm I know your girlfriend and no she’s not.
HAY GUYS MY GIRLFRIEND!
I like a comparison chart of the review.
I’m actually a Beta tester for this thing. I haven’t slept in 4 days. Or talked to my girlfriend (or ex) for that matter. I’m so tired…
I laughed out loud. I could not help it. That line just made the entire post.
I’ll give you a review…
Don’t buy it.
Go phuck a real woman or just jerk off manually.
geez.
“just jerk off manually” – I can’t believe the world has come to a point where ‘manually’ has to specified. Priceless.
Blame Jackie Treehorn…
Jackie Treehorn… treats objects… like women… man.
nice that someone actually got the Lebowski reference.
I’m still waiting for a life-like android that will replace the need for women altogether. It only needs to be able to cook, clean and have sex. I suppose it could talk, but there would definitely need to be a mute function.
Sign me up for one of these androids as well….
This is the only way Techcrunch employees are going to get LAID.
Word on the street is that Arrington is passing these out as bonuses.
How… offensive.
Is TechCrunch trying to increase its pageviews by going the Engadget route? Just because it’s “connected to a PC” doesn’t mean that you should write about it.
A once reasonable *startup* blog has since declined to preaching mostly about Twitter and Apple products. Do we have this mindless blather to look forward to, too?
I no longer take this blog seriously.
Sure, your audience will increase. But is it the right kind of audience? Probably not.
Pathetic.
The big advantage of teledildonics is you don’t have to listen to twats like Toni bad-mouth Apple fanboys. Shit… am I the wrong kind of audience now?
Why is this offensive? People have sex you know.
Can you imagine any serious media source doing a piece like this?
It not being *relevant* to the site’s mission or audience makes it offensive, in case you were trying to imagine how it could possibly be.
Why is in not relevant? I think it’s absolutely relevant. The Internet survives off of vaguely masked sexual tensions, hook up tools and blatantly pushing the limits of human sexuality as far as it can. It may or may not be personally offensive to you, and me too, but in general it’s totally consistent with the evolution of personal computing.
I too am offended. How could you even think about violating Mr. Peanut? That’s just plain wrong.
Business 2.0 did a big article on a sex store chain and another on Adult Friend Finder.
Don’t like it? Don’t read it.
lol so before any post is published on this or any blog, we have to ask ourselves – “Will the NYT publish this?”
Woman, Please.
As for the idea of ‘relevance’ – at the risk of sounding cheesy – its ALL relevant.
If every single article published on here was to be as dry as you, there wouldn’t be a crunchgear, it’d be called PrudeGear.
I love it when ppl drop in comments like “I no longer take this blog seriously”. I’ll bet a teledildonic that you’re still reading this and you most assuredly will continue to be reading this, just like the hundreds of thousands of growing visitors each month.
You have failed. Thanks for playing!
Like every other web technology, it’s foundation was porn and sex.
Think bigger, perhaps this will lead to devices that can perform remote surgery or give shut ins the feeling of having someone with them LOL.
The possibilities are endless.
The last thing TC/Crunchgear needs is puritanical prudes for readers (i.e. the type of people who think sex is not a worthy topic when, in fact, it’s a very important topic). I thought this post was good/funny; it’s good to see improvements being made in sex tech/gear.
I also think it’s pretty funny that anyone would object to “teledildonics”/sex technology or even be remotely offended by it. Do you oppose sex tech built for women (or just men)? Do you oppose masturbation? Do you oppose couples having fun with toys? Or does sex alone merely offend you? Why do you oppose TC covering adult subjects even when they are, indeed, related to tech/startups/gear/web?
TC, please keep posting adult topics. It’s the best way to *keep* mature, reasonable readers.
Ummm. 30 day money back guarantee, huh? What do they do with the returns?
Ebay.
Refurbish (clean with a damp cloth) and sell on Woot.
The thought of buying refurb units of anything is a bit behind because I don’t like other people’s hand-me-downs. The thought of buying one of these refurbed is just, well uh..gross…
But then again, unless your wife/GF was a virgin when you met here…well, you get the point.
Still sick…
I think its telling its the only thing techcrunch as liked in about a year, except facebook…
Jezuz !
I think the title should say … PORN !!! NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL VIEWERS !
Would you like a hug?
Well that was all I needed to remove TechCrunch from my RSS reader.
Well that was all I needed to add TechCrunch from my RSS reader
Good riddance! Last thing we need is readers like you.
Well that was all I needed to actually learn what the fuck RSS reader is… and add it to my RSS reader.
I guess a pair of those sunglasses with the little screens in them paired with a POV flick would go well with this gadget.
But seriously guys, hahaha. WTF? Where did you find this?
And Toni lighten up a little. I found it funny.
Toni is only offended because the device has more personality than she does
The Fleshlight does the same nearly but requires a bit of work. On the plus side the fleshlight is dishwasher safe, unlike this where you just “rinse” it “clean”.
“On the plus side the fleshlight is dishwasher safe..”
Which explains your name of ‘Lonely’ quite nicely.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
that was the funniest thing i have read in a long time.
ok, will you people stop bogging down the site, I’m trying to watch the damn video.
LOL hilarious article!!
i dont think anyones going to review it!!.. and embaress themselves!!!
I saw Targus is making a carrying case for this which has a special flap for easy access on the go (i.e., in airports, taxis, conference rooms, etc.) and comes with a bluetoothed OLED goggles and earbuds.
Pretty darn handy, but you still have to recreate smells on your own.
Does it support Ubuntu?
Is this comes only in one-size-fits-all?
Does it have an API?
No API, but I heard that is has a back door.
No API, but I heard that it has a back door.
hahahahahaha epic
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahha
Bravo, I’m done surfing the Internet today because there’s no way I’ll find anything better. Ignore the hater, this is great coverage.
I don’t think it inappropriate at all….
It’s just another gadget and a piece to the puzzle of “Telepresence” and being “Telepresent”.
L2
http://www.telepresenceforum.com
There’s no firewire version and it doesn’t appear to be mac compatible (I’m sure they’re “working on it”).
That’s just my standard response to every post on every site.
Maybe there is a reason everyone is “working on it” when it comes to Mac compatibility.
In 3009, this will be one of the exhibits in the “End of Western Civilization” Museum.
30-day money back guarantee eh? Think they resell them as refurbs? Sounds like a woot in the making.
How was the review???
Do I need condoms?
Is this thing Y2K compliant?
You mean KY2K?
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
Is this thing even safe?
Can you give one of these out as a prize on Crunchgear?
my girlfriend just stuck screwdrivers in my usb ports.
*orders new ones from newegg. next-day shipping please*
According to their FAQ, it ONLY WORKS WHILE YOU ARE WATCHING THE MOVIES THEY SELL. What a scam. They would sell thousands more if they published an API and let people control each other and build this feedback into other programs.
I thought it would work with any movie, like visualizations.
Dude, check out some anatomy sites, will you? A woman’s “pee pee parts”? WTF?
I have never placed my penis in a woman’s pee pee part. I’m partial to the vagina!
As to you prudes who are all “OMG this is perverted” you really need to get laid. Grow the phuck up and try to be an adult.
What happens if it malfunctions? Would I get a prosthetic replacement and a refund?
Exactly!
To me, I would never place anything on my wedding tackle that looks like it’s constructed with rubber bands, a flower Vase, all while hooked up to a power source. :)
LOL
Hard to admit, but there’s nothing wrong with my hand!
I’ve tried it. It’s like having your way with Snoopy. I felt like a grown up Charlie Brown.
I am really at a loss on this one. This is one of those very few TC posts that I actually read the comments and replies before posting my own reply….
While I think this is every boy’s dream, I find it kind of weird. I looked through the website and everything says “coming soon” so I see the ‘newness’ of the product as well as the website. I find it hard to believe they will get any serious testimonials any time soon, but there are a lot of people out there that will do anything to get their picture noticed so who knows.
All in all, I think it is a unique product and probably pretty interesting to see how well it does. My guess is that they will probably sell thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of these things and probably make 10 times as much off of the movie clips.
I am with above commenters though in the fact that they are limiting themselves by not having an API and only allowing it to work through their servers. On the same token though, by limiting to their servers only, it could be a great thing – after all, you wouldn’t want to accidentally get a virus in your virtual girlfriend…
…That could be very bad.
I have a prototype. And I have ised it.
Here is my review:
I felt like i was having intercourse with a ghost. There was some stimulation happening at the rod, but my field of view was presenting a wall with a very nice, but fake, Picasso dove.
I mean, some of the ladies I pick up when I’m drunk do look like Picasso’s, but at least I was able to read some facial expressions.
Thanks my “lol” of the day :p
Who is responsible for the trial testing?
“the inside of a woman’s wee-wee and poop parts ”
err, its called a cunt and an ass, neither of which you’ll ever get if you keep on calling them that.
As you won’t either if *you* keep calling them *that*
But can it play Crysis?
ONLY hALO 2
“It was designed and thoroughly tested by a former NASA engineer”!
Hahaha, that kills me.
No wireless. Less space than a nomad. Lame.
“You may return your RealTouch device for any reason within 30 days of receipt for an exchange or a refund of the purchase price, excluding shipping and handling costs, and a 10% restocking fee.”
RESTOCKING fee?! EWWWWWWWW
The only people who should be using this are men not within 50 miles of women (astronauts or Nepalese monks), and since a NASA engineer is behind this, my guess is that astronauts have been using this since Apollo 12.
Yes. but will it blend?!?
wow, a blast from the past.
This is by far the funniest product review ever TechCrunch. Cheers to the NASA engineer who decided to solve a problem that plagues many engineers worldwide… the best part of this piece…. “expect a review shortly”
Wow!!! I wish there was a “Make Your Own Vajayjay” kit of which an engineer would model the RealTouch after mine and then make a dildo that wirelessly connects and simulates the the RealTouch action from all the users. Then I could log onto my wireless dildo device and choose from a variety of sexual simulations based on the data aggregated by my vajayjay’s mood!!
You can see the realtouch in action:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/28131/american-virgin
Too bad Bill Clinton (and Kenneth Starr for that matter) didn’t have these.
Good thing Microsoft didn’t come out with this or you’d have to deal with the “blow screen of death”.
They should interface this with Facebook.
I find it interesting that it is so taken for granted that women use devices for their pleasure, that they are sold at all kinds of stores, have been the punchline to several jokes in network TV shows and movies, and are even sold at little house parties, yet there is such a stigma to a man using such a device, that even mentioning it in an article on the web is enough to elicit cries of obscenity and inappropriateness.
I would probably never use one because I am just fine with doing it the old fashion way with either my wife or my hand, but I fail to see what is any more inappropriate about this device than any of the millions of “back massagers” you can find in any number of stores. Is it just because they don’t wrap it in silly euphemisms that it offends you? It seems to me in an era where you can see ads on network TV for erection pills, vibrators that will fit in your purse, and Girls Gone Wild videos, it is a little silly to get offended because someone mentioned a device for male masturbation.
I suppose that is just another sign of how matriarchal our society has become. Women pleasuring themselves is an acceptable, and pretty much mainstream, way for women to take care of their desires and establish their ’sexual independence,’ but men doing it is somehow sick and pathetic, and is something that should only be done in a closet, in the dark, like we were all 12-year-old boys, and never ever mentioned.
They should have titled this post: Love your computer? Now you can have sex with it
I don’t understand the social stigma of male sex toys. When a woman buys a dildo does anyone say “just have sex with a man”. I bought a fleshlight at a time while i had two women i was sleeping with and I’m glad i did. QUIT YR DOUBLE STANDARDS AND STOP BEING ASAMED OF MASTERBATION!