We at CrunchGear seem to have opened some sort of strange Pandora’s Box resulting in a number of offers to send us marital aids for review. First it was the Sqweel and now it’s the Tenga Flip Hole. Mom and Dad: I’m sorry you wasted all that money on college for me.
The Tenga Flip Hole is a $70 Japanese sex jar (”onacup” in Japan) for men. It works thusly: You unpack it and open it up. Inside is a mass of strangely shaped and knurled silicone with an opening at the bottom. It is clad in hard plastic and those three knobs on the side allow for some sort of marionette-like method of pumping the plastic inside. It also has a fake hymen.
To repeat: It also has a fake hymen.
To use it you open it up, place a quantity of lubricant inside (”Mild, “Cool Ranch,” and “Wild” are the styles included with this kit), and then close it. You then introduce your male member into the hole at the bottom (past the freaking fake hymen) and manipulate the device until issue. You then wash the thing out and go eat a candy bar from the box that your son’s school is making you sell but since you work from home you can’t sell them in an office so they lie around the house all day and all you do is eat them because your wife doesn’t eat milk chocolate and you don’t have the will power to resist them, let alone resist twirling it into a Japanese sex jar.
While your own methodology may vary, I’m here to tell you that this is what sex will be like when we are colonized by the machines. Males will be given these devices to produce genetic material which will then be processed and pre-screened for genetic defects like “free will” by the robot overlords. The resulting slurry will be sent to the female inseminating fields where the next generation of bio-battery will be grown. The Tenga Flip Hole is what a robot thinks sex feels like: efficient, well engineered, and decidedly unnatural.
Sweet, merciful Cher. I had sex with a jar.
I received two of these devices from JList.com, a disposable model $12 U.S. Tenga model and this Flip Hole [NSFW link] (FTC please note: You are free to pick these up from my place of business in lieu of the standard disclosure documentation you will soon force us bloggers to prepare.) The $12 disposable model contained lubricant and was a one-time use device, something I cannot condone considering carbon footprint of waxing the dolphin inside a plastic cup and then throwing it away. I would say, however, that when using the Flip Hole you’ll want to use a lot of lubricant. It’s a tight squeeze, even for men as poorly endowed as me, and… I have a Master’s Degree in Business Journalism. Let’s not forget that.
Bottom Line
The world is full of lots of kinds of people. There are people who sing, people who dance, people who make gourmet cookies at a little place outside of the Hyannis Airport. And there are people who make onacups and people who have sex with those onacups. Now that I know what kind of person I am, I’m better for it.
Is it an amazing experience? If you’re alone and lonely and want to give Aunt Palm a rest, you know what? Yeah, it is a great time. I found I enjoyed it more in the company of my fine lady wife but that’s just how I butter my toast. You do what you need to do to get by. Different strokes for different folks, pip pip, cheerio.
Incidentally, Danny Choo has lots of photos of his Tenga Flip Hole. Go look at his.
this plus dishwasher robot = wife?
rigids + nodgooles + vaccum actions (dishwasher and toy) hahaha
http://www.crunchgear.com/2009/10/16/panasonics-dish-washing-robot/
I’ve had enough. Please stop featuring this stuff on THIS blog. Go start a sex toy blog if you must, but I come here to read about tech.
I know it’s funny, I know it’s interesting, and yes, I even read it, but it’s defocusing your core mission and cheapening your credibility.
You caught us at a time when a lot of this stuff was coming into the office. We’ll try to be more considerate of your needs in the future.
Its revolution in sex technology! I think that it applies.
I could not disagree more with Mike Craigson….one way or another this is a gadget and the word tech is not present in the title of this blog.
Frankly I find the sex toy posts to be quite fun to read and laugh about and frankly I propose a new weekly column by John entitled “stuff I put my dick in”
I concur.
Seriously folks, you know what the post is going to be, if you’re not in the mood for a laugh, pass on by and click on the next one.
Myself, I need the giggles. Bring it.
I don’t think SexCrunch sounds that appealing. I’d rather have a few of these reviews pop up on CG than have to see that tab every time I’m on the site.
But these are tech gadgets for a specific crowd! While I’m not interested in going out and purchasing one, I am intrigued and entertained.
There are plenty of tech blogs you can use to supplement this one if it’s not giving you what you want at this moment. I find the same articles on many, many different sites. I bet you won’t find many tech blogs with a post like this.
This is why I like CrunchGear. Keep it up!
Yes Biggs!!! Now you just have to make a video of it
do not want
So would cleaning it out after using it be considered an unboxing?
So the majority of our readership is against the idea of CrotchGear, then?
TechCrotch?
Well then count me in the minority…the more stuff you dedicated journalists have intercourse with the better is my motto.
CrotchCrunch,
Ouch!
Hilarious run on sentences with the strangest choice of words.
No mention of how it hooks up to the computer by USB and what that entails? The Danny Choo link shows that it has Firewire and USB connections… Maybe I do not want to know anyway.
Hilariously well written. Fun stuff.
Flip Hole: fun stuff, great stuff, try it!
It has a real setting – so it allows you selfishly blow your wad early, complains about how you never loved it and makes you sleep on the couch. That is if it’s not too late or has a headache.
The article is clearly labeled NSFW. If you’re a prude, that should be a big clue that this article was not written for your consumption. What’s the problem?
I liked this review, and the Sqweel review, too. That one led me to bookmark the site and come back. Even if I didn’t enjoy the inane iFrame commentary.
The Japanese have always been innovative people. Tenga has been making some products which are jaw dropping. Their sex toys are way ahead of time. By the way, anyone tried the USA Fleshlight?
I received my flip hole a week ago and after cranking off with it 3 times I can tell you that I am not impressed at all!!! The flip hole has nothing on the fleshlight. Mine will have 47 uses left when I throw it in the garbage.
Well if you want to know why Japanese sex toys are so superior to ours..just look at some of the prudish comments here. Come on brothers, you wouldn’t be here to read stuff about this dirty thing called sexual pleasure if your mummies and daddies hadn’t committed the dirty deed. Why isn’t a new high tech sex toy just as a valid topic on a tech gadget blog as anything else?
The Fliphole is really cool!
Thanks for the review…….i just got the black fliphole, another improved version.