Brando, home of the odd USB device, finally has a product I want to order. No no, it’s not a heated slipper or a spy camera, it’s a Transformers USB drive. How cool is that?

Boy, I remember the days of play spy gear in the past. Crappy motion detectors, fingerprint kits that were nothing more than flour and tape, and mirrored sunglasses — never anything like this. And I remember thinking, too, when Ethan Hunt had those camera-glasses in the first “Mission: Impossible,” I scoffed, thinking yeah right, there’s no way. Now, a mere decade later (actually that’s quite a long time, but bear with me), you can get one for pocket change. And by pocket change I mean quite a bit of money. And by quite a bit of money I mean $150, which really isn’t that bad.

There are a few areas of concern to point out about this $24 “USB Paw Heating Slipper” from Brando. For starters, you’re sticking both your feet into one giant slipper. What happens if you get an e-mail saying that there’s free bagels in the break room? In your haste to save $2, you could very easily trip and fall down.

I knew when I got to the Neighborhood watch meeting last week, that guy from down on the corner was talking about me again. I saw him outside, standing next to his car. Of course I take security a little more seriously then the rest of the people who just like to *say* that are protecting our neighborhood. Next time though, I’ll be able to hear him. I just bought the new Spy Monocular & Long Range Sound Recorder.

And now to finally get to the bottom of WHO DRANK MY LAST TAB?! This unassuming little clock tells the time and tells you who’s been breaking into your house at night to eat multiple peanut butter, lettuce, and pastrami sandwiches. It’s definitely not you sleepwalking.

Oh Brando, you tickle the collective fancy of internet users everywhere with your $177 touchscreen portable media player. It plays back high-definition video files, it can be hooked up to a TV, it doubles as a digital photo frame, and it’s expandable via microSD cards.

This here is called the “Flashlight Speed Holster with Battery Compartment,” brought to you by the good people at Brando. According to the product description, “This Revolutionary Holster allows operators to increase the draw speed of a flashlight!”

Behold! A small step forward in multimedia speakers! This one has a built-in 4.5-inch LCD screen and it only costs $99. According to the product description, the screen is a “high definition color display.” According to me, that’s dead wrong. But who cares? It’s a screen built into a speaker! Hurray!

STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES! STAB OUT MY EYES!

In the Old West a man was defined by his hat. Stetson, Ten-Gallon, and Bowler were only three of the myriad hats available to a real man and these hats often stank of pomade and sweat and were frequently infested with lice and caked in a fine crust of dandruff. The Old West totally sucked.

Thank God we live in the New West because now, for $14, you can wear a WiFi detecting cap that shows current WiFi levels in your general vicinity. It comes in two styles – circular and, apparently, Engadget- and comes in black, red, or white.

Well look at this, it’s a combination Multi-touch touchpad and a plain ol’ numeric keypad. (Years from now, when we’re all using laptops, or, I guess, touchscreen interfaces, kids will ask, “What’s a keypad?”) It’s from Brando, if you had any doubts at all as to who makes it.

It’s a big day for fancy headwear. First we have the sleek and stylish UFO Cap, now we have this ridiculous hat-brim-solar-fan contraption, and the PS3 Slim is small enough that you could conceivably equip it with a chinstrap and wear it.

But would it keep you cool? Not like this one, my friend. Not like this one.

OK IT’S TIME FOR BRANDO TIME AGAIN! Good friend give you a clock! Don’t think it’s a pinhole camera with remote! Don’t! You will be a fool to think so! Don’t worry!

Need to make sure no one blackmails your car shop! Press the button and record video! It is a tire clock that looks like a tire and is a camera! 12FPS! $69.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall during one of Brando’s product development sessions. This product, for instance, is a folding credit card-sized “light bulb” that appears to be nothing more than a little LED shining upward against some sort of translucent plastic.

Be a super spy! Spy on your grandma! She’s old! She smells funny! It will be fun to watch her in the bathroom!

A Fake Generic Lighter Spy Camera Camcorder
Color Camera Camcorder
Switcher to control Camera and Camcorder
One press to record and stop
Fast response time and Simple control

The last thing I hocked for Brando was a 70-LED video light, and I still recommend it. But it looks like they’re hot for budget photography gear, since now they’ve got this big flash accessory kit for $88 that includes pretty much everything you’d want to stick on that Speedlite. Diffusers, colored filters, honeycombs, everything. Very fancy.

It’s not something for the amateur shooter, but if you like taking pictures at parties, these will make your flash photos way better. Take it from a guy who really sucks at taking flash photos because he won’t invest in some decent kit.

Oh Brando, cashing in on Michael Jackson’s untimely death? You’re better than that, Brando.

At any rate, the Thriller Skull Phone is an old-timey standard phone in the shape of a skull with blue LEDs for eyes that light up when the phone rings.

NEW ROTATION STYLE! MAGIC RUBIK SHAPE BREAKTHROUGH IQ RUMBIK GAME REGGULAR SQUARE CUBE!

The Irregular Magic IQ Cube, the new rotation style, the new format in each face, the new Rubik shape! It is a Break-through of the Traditional IQ Rubik game that is Good Training for your Brain IQ & EQ!! If you are still struggling with the traditional Rubik, just try this new Brain Training Cube. See whether you can make it from an 3D Irregular Geometric Item to be a Regular 3D Square Cube.

Secretly taking photos of people is sort of easy to do with a cell phone but it’s probably even easier to do with a Volkswagen-style car key. For $66, Brando will be more than happy to sell you one too.