It has come to our attention that creatively bankrupt Hollywood has decided to make another Tomb Raider movie. All of us here at CrunchGear—we stay crunchy, even in milk—think this is just another example of Hollywood admitting that, not only has it run out of ideas, but that it has no problem tarnishing the image of its forebears. (See the upcoming Pink Panther 2 the most revolting example.) So, Hollywood, if you’re reading—why wouldn’t it be?—please, pretty please, reconsider.

The word today is that Warner Bros. has teamed up with one Dan Lin, who’s a producer whose credits (though in a different role) include 10,000 BC (which stunk) and The Departed (which wasn’t too bad, actually), to draw up plans for another movie based on Tomb Raider. The only problem with this is that, well, the other Tomb Raider movies stunk, and the video game series hasn’t been “hot,” I think it’s safe to say, since the late 1990s. (Is it me, or did the series begin, and peak, with the original Tomb Raider?) In fact, the only way to breathe life into the franchise is to retroactively release the Nude Raider code for all the games. That’ll get a buzz going again.

It’s not that we have no faith that the movie will be a smash hit, defined in terms of box office success (Mall Cop is the top movie in America, for Pete’s sake), it’s just that we think it’ll be absolute rubbish, and that Warner Bros. would be better off investing all that money and labor into something with a future, like the American auto industry.

This is this week’s episode of Zero Punctuation. He reviews Tomb Raider: Underworld. He doesn’t like it.

Somehow, after so many episodes, I still find his shtick funny.

Go to Metacritic, which is destroying the video game industry, by the way, and check out the Tomb Raider: Underworld’s metascore. Right now it’s 78. That’s not good enough, apparently.

It’s like this: Eidos, which publishes the game, instructed its PR firm to ask sites to hold off on publishing Underworld reviews before Monday (yesterday) if they were less than 80 percent. The idea, I guess, was to maximize sales before too many people found out about the game being good or bad (I haven’t played it, so I can’t comment either way). It’s like how in the movie industry, the opening weekend is key because, after that, people will have found out if the movie is good or bad, and whether or not it’s worth their time and money to see it.

Now there’s a controversy regarding Eidos, the PR firm and magic bullets. It’s very meta. Also boring.

My advice to those of you reading game reviews: ignore the number. Ratings are an archaic practice that are largely irrelevant nowadays, what with reviews being a dime a dozen online. Read the actual content of the review and decide from there.

Name: Alison Carroll

Mission: To Become Lara Croft

Let’s all watch, shall we? Eidos might as well just make a full-length movie while they’re at it with all this video stuff they’re doing. New game in late November.

[via CVG]

If only Lara Croft were real then I’d marry her. Oh wait, she is real!

You know, the new Lara Croft that we told you about yesterday. Enjoy…

Aye-chee-wah-wah. Here’s the new Lara Croft; former gymnast Alison Carroll of Croydon, a borough of London. I can’t stand Angelina Jolie – can’t stand her – so it brings me great joy to see that she can retire and I can finally like Tomb Raider again.

Granted, Miss Carroll won’t really be playing the role of Lara Croft in a movie anytime soon, but “she will appear at promotions and conferences in character, performing stunts such as back flips, and will play the part in TV commercials. Miss Carroll will even answer questions on chat shows as Lara, after taking a crash course in archaeology,” according to the Daily Mail.

More photos after the jump.

As a gymnast, Carroll has performed for Prince Charles (hold the jokes, please) and has coached younger gymnasts and “choreographed the routine for the junior team that won the British National Championships.” After winning the role of Lara Croft, Carroll quit her job as a receptionist to begin training for her new endeavor.

[via Kotaku]

This spring has seen the release of a few long time favorites, including our beloved treasure hunter Lara Croft, plus the premier fighting franchise has made the jump to the Wii. Say what you want about old school games, but these are like old friends finally coming home. Of course not lived up to our fond memories. But isn’t that what reunions are always like?

Tomb Raider Anniversary Edition
Eidos
ESRB: Teen
Platforms: PS2/PC/PSP
Poor Lara Croft hasn’t had it easy, and we’re not talking about what the upper class Brit had to endure in the game, but rather a few of those lackluster games themselves! However, we can focus on the original outing that essentially redefined action games — and made watching a character run and jump so much fun.

Actually, it’s hard to believe it has been a full decade since Ms. Croft first ran, jumped, climbed and tomb raided her way to pop icon status. There have been numerous sequels, movie adaptations and about a half a dozen models who have donned the famous Tomb Raider shorts and t-shirt. But despite it all, the original remains the best. Now for the 11th anniversary (we can only guess they needed extra time, especially considering Tomb Raider games never seem to arrive on time) Lara Croft is back in a retelling of her first adventure.

More than a remake, the Anniversary Edition offers new gameplay based on the original game, letting you guide Lara from the snow covered peaks of Peru to the temples of Greece and to the lost valley of Egypt, where you’ll head into mysterious crypts and race through jungles battling a variety of animal and supernatural enemies. This revision of the classic features a new 3D game design, along with improved controls and interface, making it easy to pull off Lara’s signature moves. Over the past decade Lara Croft has had her shares of ups and downs, so its nice to head back to one of her finest outings and have it look better than ever.

Sim City DS
Electronic Arts
EA
ESRB: Everyone
Platform: Nintendo DS
The Sim City franchise never had any colorful characters, nor did you ever really “win.” But despite both facts it was one of those games that was nearly impossible to stop playing. With the new handheld version, which features graphics that even surpass the original, you might have trouble wanting to put it down as well.

While a real city planner’s job probably requires endless meetings, countless proposals and a lengthy process to determine zoning issues, you need not worry about any of it in Sim City DS. This handheld version of the classic city building game lets you cut through the red tape so you can get down to building the city of your dreams. Of course there is still more than just laying roads and hoping that people will come. You’ll need to supply water and electricity, provide city services such as police and fire protection, provide schools and build up the basic infrastructure. Plus you’ll have to raise the money to pay for all this, and that likely means taxes. In other words it still isn’t easy, but as a game it is addictive fun, and in this new version you have all the power in the palm of your hands.

Mortal Kombat Armageddon
Midway
ESRB: Mature (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence)
Platform: Nintendo Wii
Fighting games have evolved since the early 1990s, but little has changed with the gameplay that essentially remains a contest of button mashing. But despite this fact, some of the best fighting games have actually been the most innovative. The Wii edition of Mortal Kombat Armageddon is just such a game, and it might just have you forgetting any other version.

This latest title in the popular fighting franchise features more than 50 fighters from the entire MK universe (past, present and somehow the future), plus it adds kick-ass Kreate-A-Fighter and Kreate-A-Fatality modes, along with a new Konquest mode. The fatality system lets gamers further lets gamers get way into the game, using the Nintendo Wii’s unique control to customize their attacks.

The control scheme is easy enough, and is a far cry from simple button mashing. In fact this is one of those games that parents should want their cubby couch potatoes to play. OK, it is a mature-rated title with violence, blood and gore. But it is also a game that requires you actually getting a small workout to deliver the pain to your rivals. If that doesn’t do it for you and you’d rather slowly turn into Jabba the Hutt, there is an option for classic controller support as well.

The game lacks online multiplayer, but don’t blame Midway for the fact that Nintendo still can get its act together. But on the plus side to compliment the ass-kicking gameplay, the developers still found time to include a cart-racing mode that is exclusive to the Wii version of Armageddon. And if there wasn’t already a lame series with the name, we’d almost expect this to be the makings of Mortal Kombat Carmageddon!

Mario Party 8
Nintendo
ESRB: Everyone
Platforms: Nintendo Wii
Somewhere in a bank is Tokyo is a vault filled with all the money that Mario has racked in for Nintendo over the years. So much money must be there that Bono of U2 should go and try to get some of it to pay off Africa’s debts, and something tells me there’d still be plenty of cash left over! This isn’t a dig at Nintendo, but Mario Party 8 has arrived!

Some third world countries probably wish they had a gross domestic product equal to what this little virtual plumber brings in. Between the straight adventures, cart racing games, Paper Mario, Wario, and stuff like this Mario and his Italian family have made more money than Tony Soprano! But despite this, since the Wii was released last fall Mario hasn’t really done much to help the system. So the plumber decided to phone in this party game.

This isn’t to say that Mario Party 8 is bad, but to keep up with the pop culture references anytime stuff reaches into this many sequels it starts to look desperate. Do we seriously think Die Hard 8 or Rocky 8 would be good? Mario Party 8 is an OK game, but it lacks the originality of previous titles. A compilation of past games for the Wii would have been more welcome. Likewise, the mini-games in this one are good for parties but that’s about it. They’re also too focused on making sure everyone has a chance and can win, thus lady luck outweighs skill. This isn’t bad if you have friends who would otherwise dominate at video games, but skill should still count for a bit more.

Finally, if you have to pull out games like Mario Party 8 when you’re entertaining, you might need a new class of friends!

Next Gen, the online magazine that used to be a dead tress magazine I used to read because it didn’t use hyperbolic language to describe video games, reports that Tomb Raider: Anniversary, a remake of the original game, may well be on its way to Xbox Live as a downloadable game. It cites a recent ESRB listing on the organization’s Web site that shows the game was rated (and will presumably be released for) five systems, one of which is the Xbox 360. Why, exactly, Next-Gen automatically jumps to the conclusion that it’ll be released onto Xbox Live as a downloadable game is unknown.

The game’s been getting good reviews, with the flawed but still useful GameRankings score currently at 81 percent. Though, I suppose, good or bad, XBL users are always thirsty for new content.

Downloadable Lara Heading to Xbox 360? [Next Gen]

Fan of the original “Aeon Flux” or “Reign: The Conqueror?” Might want to sign up for GameTap soon, as the company will be releasing a new animated series called “ReVisioned.” A collective group of artists and writers will get together to create a cartoon series based on popular video games. Up first is “Tomb Raider” and guess who’s doing the first two episodes? None other than Peter Chung, of the aforementioned “Aeon Flux” fame.

Some of the animation looks really fantastic and seems to be worth checking out. All the episodes of each series will be available for free to anyone who wants to watch them, so props to the guys at GameTap for offering their idea to those of us without accounts.

Tomb Raider: GameTap Collection [GameTap via Kotaku]