Every year it’s the same thing. WORST.KEYNOTE.EVAR! WHERE IS ITABLET! STEVE SHOULD BUY ME A PONY! PC World wrote a laundry list of things that they wanted to see but didn’t get to see at WWDC and, like a 16-year-old whose boyfriend is supposed to hug her and kiss her and stay with her at the mall all weekend and respond to all of her texts immediately if not sooner, they get pissy when they don’t get what they want. A pox on them, I say.

A guy who knows a guy at Apple says he saw a guy who drove a guy to work who knows the kids of a guy who works with the guy who works next to the office of the guy who brings fresh ground coffee to the girl who puts water into the coffee-maker for the guy who brings the coffee and single, perfect bearclaw to Steve Jobs’ sub-assistant’s assistant who works next to Steve Jobs’ real assistant’s assistant who says he saw Steve Jobs floating (and this refutes Woz’s claim that Steve is really healthy) in a huge vat while attached to “cables and other stuff” who says his sister who knows the neighbors of the Jobs family who sometimes when there’s a full moon can see through the back window of the Jobs house where they say they saw Steve’s holographic representation playing Jenga by controlling a nubile Vietnamese woman named Hoa using a new iTablet/mental control rig told the Wall Street Journal that either Jobs or a robot shaped like Jobs will host the WWDC keynote on Monday.

WWDC is next week and the Internet gods are saying that there is a new iPhone coming. This screenshot from UK’s Carphone Warehouse hints that they might be right and the new iPhone will come in 16GB and 32GB flavors, with a white model available for both options.

When Apple updated the white, plastic MacBook a couple weeks back, we noticed that it was now more powerful than its unibody, and more expensive, counterpart. The benchmarks are now in, and it seems that it is indeed a better deal as it outperforms the $299 more expensive model almost across the board.

When it’s a Schiller-note! Apple has confirmed that the 10am keynote on June 8 at WWDC will be led by Philip Schiller, the corporeal form that Apple now takes when it needs to leave the astral plane and speak to us humans.

Fun fact: Did you know that Apple is really run by a spiritual energy field so bright and blinding that Apple engineers have to wear special “sensory suits” in order to enter the special lead-lined conference room in Cupertino where they present their new ideas to the “the one whose name is the death of stars and the giver of life to all that lives?”